10 Just Let Me Do It: Start Letting Go of Control

CHAPTER 10

Just Let Me Do It: Start Letting Go of Control

If everyone would just do as I say, everything would be fine.

That used to be my god’s truth mantra and I believed it with all my heart. If my life was terrible it was because of other people, and if they would just do what I told them to do, we would all be happier. (I wonder how I had any friends at all during that time.)

When I was twenty-two, I had my first real corporate job. My boss (whom I realized later was the Queen of All Control Freaks), said to me my first week, “There are so few things we have total control over, so do your best to control the things you can.” At the time of that conversation she was referring to my desk—advising me to keep my workstation organized—but I took that advice to heart and ran with it. I mean, she was right. We can’t control everything, but being the overachieving, perfectionist, strong young woman that I was, I would die trying.

As humans, we want a sense of certainty. Some people may argue that we’re addicted to it. My friend Christine Hassler, the author of Expectation Hangover, says, “People want to control things so much and know what’s coming, when we can’t figure it out ourselves we go to psychics to tell us the answers.”

I felt that if I could control everything (including people) it would erase all the uncertainty, uneasiness, and anxiety in my life. People who feel they can’t control themselves, their lives, and their emotions tend to try to control others, and I was no exception.

The tricky thing about people who struggle with control is that it starts out as a good thing. Controlling people are also efficient, reliable, smart, and productive. They can often find the best way to navigate a project or challenging situation. When the going gets tough, you probably want them on your side.

Then there’s that damn line. The line that gets crossed into Crazytown. Control freaks have minimal boundaries when it comes to knowing when to let go, delegate, and trust. It can spiral quickly, and when it’s happening, it’s best if you just stand back because they might suddenly burst into flames with their ferocity of controlling everything within reach.

Truthfully, most people who struggle with control aren’t following others around with a clipboard barking out orders. They like to micromanage little things. A common example is the way they keep their house—they are hell-bent on things being a certain way and go bananas if things are out of order.

Or maybe they are sticklers about schedules and itineraries. Any deterrent makes them anxious and sometimes angry. At work, they take on all or most of the responsibilities, or if they do delegate, you can find them standing at your shoulder as they watch you and comment on the task they gave you.

If they are parents, perhaps they micromanage their children. Controlling every morsel they put in their mouth, monitoring their schedules, not letting their children have the opportunity to make their own mistakes or even have their own successes.

So, where’s the line between keeping your kids safe and not controlling everything? Between being uber-efficient at work and not stomping through everyone’s space and projects like Bigfoot? Let’s find out.

WHAT’S UNDERNEATH IT ALL?

I won’t mince words: People who struggle with control are living in fear. They are so afraid of what might happen if they don’t try to control the outcome of every situation that they push other people’s feelings and their relationships (and sometimes sanity) to the side, and their sole focus is on what they can control.

Although at the time I didn’t know, at the height of my controlling career the underlying issues were low self-esteem, insecurities, and lack of confidence. On the surface, I honestly felt that I knew what was best for everyone else and they would all be better off if they just listened to me. If I could create a positive outcome or fix a problem in someone else, I felt better about myself.

The more things and situations I was in charge of, the better I felt because that ensured I had more to be in control of. But, really, all the micromanaging and controlling was an easy distraction for me so I wouldn’t have to look at my real problems. The broken heart, grief, pressure, anxiety, fear, confusion, and struggle. All the things most people deal with in a lifetime. I’m not sure I realized it was all underneath there, but the small part of me that did was terrified to look at it. Many people who are chronic controllers are doing so in an attempt to avoid pain and struggle in their own lives. To look at the uneasiness in their lives is too difficult, so they’ll just stick their fingers in someone else’s life and find more things to do.

People who chronically control also feel emotionally unsafe. When I would get a glimpse of the feelings and emotions that I’d successfully hidden underneath the surface, they startled and scared me like the feeling of accidentally walking through a spiderweb. You flail your arms all around trying desperately to get the web off you while hoping there’s not an actual spider on your face or in your hair. That’s how I felt about emotions coming up in my life. I would quickly run away from them and find something else to control and be in charge of.

People who struggle with control also struggle with perfectionism. They want to make all the rules, have all the answers, be right, and look perfect all the time. For perfectionists to get all this done, they need control. It becomes a never-ending cycle because when they fail at being perfect (which inevitably happens), instead of looking at the unhealthy habit of perfectionism, they try to control more. And the cycle continues.

Now, I don’t want any of you to think you’re unreasonable because you crave a sense of safety and certainty in your life. All people want that; it’s natural. And it’s okay to try to control things. The question I want you to start asking yourself is, does your controlling negatively affect your life? In other words, does that behavior go overboard? More on this in the next section.

HOW TO FIX IT

Remember in Chapter 1 when I told you that to change your negative self-talk, you were going to stop being at war with yourself? Control is similar in that you’re going to have to stop fighting yourself and practice surrendering. You may be thinking that to change your controlling ways, you are going to have to just “let it go,” which for you feels like cutting your arm off. That you need to let everyone do just as they please while trusting that everything will somehow work out without your help. In addition, you need to learn how to be indifferent to everything because you’re now going to have to give up on everything. Rest assured, that is not the case.

Surrendering means to stop fighting, stop resisting, stop acting like your life depends on you having all the power over everything and everyone. It doesn’t.

You may have balked earlier when I talked about controlling behavior being linked to fear. You may think you do things better than everyone else and you just know better. When you hold this belief, you’re fighting with the universe. You’re resisting the natural unfolding of things. There is one important question I have to ask you if you’re resisting letting go of control and that is, what are you afraid might happen if you let go of control?

Are you afraid everything will fall apart? That your life will be harder? That other people will judge you for not taking all the responsibility? Are you afraid that surrender is too hard, that it’s too much like giving up? Is your identity wrapped up in being this efficient, productive achiever?

Maybe all of those. And sister, I get it. I understand that control can feel like that one thing we have. That one thing that brings certainty to our lives. As someone who got the word “surrender” tattooed on her arm to remind her that life is better when you’re not dragging it around by the throat, I can assure you as much as I know love is real that controlling will get you nowhere but a oneway ticket on the crazy train.

So, back to that question about your controlling behaviors negatively affecting your life. For instance, it’s normal to want to keep your house clean and in order after you’ve spent all day cleaning it, but do you get angry at your family for doing normal things like . . . living? Where can you be flexible? Now, I can see losing your shit when your kids stomp through the house in muddy shoes and leave their crap everywhere, but are there times when you can ease up? Are you making your family walk on eggshells by trying to control every person’s move?

Or at work, if people have expressed concerns about your controlling ways—or maybe you just know you are controlling—are you willing to compromise on some things? This isn’t about letting everything go; it’s about first looking at the behavior and making small changes. Because at the end of the day, this habit could be wreaking havoc on your personal and professional relationships, not to mention stressing you out to no end.

You might think that controlling makes you happier, but I can assure you that it’s actually making your life harder. I know you are a smart and capable woman. Therefore, I know you have the capacity to unlearn this habit and form a new one that is more aligned with who you want to be and that will help you achieve more balance in your life.

Keep It Zipped

Another way to break your controlling habit is to have a “no advice” policy. Many controlling people just love to give advice, most often unsolicited. Your challenge is to not give people advice, even if you are surer than sure they are screwing up their lives, and if only they would listen to you they would be happier and oh my god it’s just so painful to watch them not do what they need to do. Exhausting, isn’t it? Not to mention that at least half the time the people you’re giving advice to don’t follow it (even when they asked for it), which makes you frustrated and angry.

If the thought of having a “no advice” policy makes you want to fall apart, try this: when you see someone you care about struggling, tell them one simple thing, “Let me know if you need my help on this.” No suggestions or hints. No passive-aggressive comments making it obvious you know what’s best for them even though you’re not saying it. Just tell them to let you know if they need your help. Additionally, trust them enough that they will let you know if they do.

Develop Self-Trust

Speaking of trust, people who find peace by controlling tend to have issues trusting themselves and other people. If they trusted, they wouldn’t feel they had to force things to be their way. Controlling people often struggle with feeling insecure, and the thought of being out of control may horrify them. They don’t trust their own emotions, abilities, decisions, or even their instincts.

I talked about trust in Chapter 2—more specifically, about trusting others. But what about trusting ourselves?

Self-trust is one of those seemingly complicated topics that perplexes many of my clients. Let’s start from the beginning. Self-trust is

•The ability to know the decisions you’re making are the right ones for you, at that particular time. Even if you end up feeling that you made the wrong decision, that the lessons learned will still benefit you.

•Knowing you are divinely taken care of no matter what life throws at you.

•Letting go of outcomes and knowing things are good—even if things didn’t and aren’t going your way—as long as you are proud of how you showed up and you clean up any messes you may have made.

Self-confidence comes from your thinking, but self-trust comes from your heart. I know that may sound a little esoteric and be tricky to understand, but let’s try this exercise: Say you had to choose A or B. Everything about option A looked good on paper. The information you’d gathered to make this decision pointed toward A . . . but your gut told you something different. You couldn’t seem to shake this feeling from your gut to choose option B.

What would you do?

I think we’ve all been in a situation in which we ignored our gut feeling and went the other way, only to eventually understand that our intuition was right all along.

This isn’t to say stop listening to others’ advice and stop gathering the information you need. Both are important, as is listening to your own inner voice. The more you trust your intuition, the more evidence you collect that your gut is always on your side, and the more self-trust is built. And the more self-trust is built, the less you’ll feel you need to control everything.

The common confusion I hear—and that I’ve had myself about self-trust—is that many of us have made so many mistakes in the past. We’ve sometimes knowingly gone against our gut feelings, not had any gut feelings at all, second-guessed ourselves, or turned to others for council and validation that we’re making the right decision. Self-trust has never really existed because we’ve never given ourselves a chance.

One of the key elements of learning self-trust is to spend some time in stillness. I know, I know, being still can feel foreign and unnatural for some of you, but there’s no way in hell you’re going to hear your intuition and learn to trust yourself when you’re running amuck all over the place, casting your tyranny around as if your life depends on it. I half-joke that when I do the exercise of stillness I feel like a cat that’s been thrown in a bathtub full of water, all wet, irritated, and frantically trying to get out. Stillness feels uncertain and, for some, like a waste of time. But believe me on this: it’s the only way. Stillness practices, such as meditating, doing yoga, and being in nature, will teach you to know the deeper, wiser side of you. Starting small, trying even just five minutes a day will help you tremendously.

Consider Your Own Issues

Another tool to help you let go of your controlling ways is to start getting the help you need to look at your own issues. As I mentioned before, people who chronically try to control other people are desperate to avoid the pain that runs through their own lives. It makes them feel better to “help” other people, so they get in other people’s business to avoid their own messes. It makes them feel like they’re valuable and have a purpose. But mostly, it’s a false and imaginary way to feel better.

The stuff making you unhappy—the pain, struggles, discomfort, awkwardness, fear, and the unknown—isn’t going anywhere. You controlling others, trying to make them see it your way, doling out advice when no one asked for it, and micromanaging is just buying time until you look at the shit going on in your immediate world. Got family-of-origin issues? Find a therapist. Got trauma? Welcome to the club! Do trauma work or read books on that particular topic. Can’t communicate effectively? There are plenty of resources on that too.

Bottom line: Clinging to control will drive you farther away from the contentment you’re looking for. Dig beneath the surface, even if you’re afraid. What’s under there has the power to free you. Letting go of control will enable you to enjoy your life more, bring you more pleasure, and make your relationships flourish.