13 Zero F*cks Mentality: Cynicism on Steroids

CHAPTER 13

Zero F*cks Mentality: Cynicism on Steroids

There’s something going around these days; you may have seen it. No, it’s not a new STD, but something quite possibly just as dangerous. What’s going around are inspirational posts on social media and self-help articles talking about not caring what other people think, and this whole concept of “not giving any fucks.” We see #dontcare everywhere, and it seems this is the attitude du jour.

What does it look like when someone does this? What happens when a woman takes this advice to heart and implements it in her life?

Someone who gives zero fucks puts on a tough exterior—she’s pushed people away and made them believe she doesn’t care about anything or anyone. It seems like a great way to live her life, right? Especially because she’s been hurt before and believes if she takes on this zero fucks mentality, she’ll be protected from getting hurt again. It’s as if she engages in this habit with a sense of pride. Hyper-independence for the win!

For instance, maybe she goes through a breakup or divorce and things are rough. When her friends ask how she is doing, instead of opening up and talking about how hurt she feels, she says, “I couldn’t care less what he does . . . I just don’t give a shit!”

Or maybe she puts her art out there online and gets criticized. Someone rips it apart, saying she’s got no talent. Or she gets reprimanded at work during a meeting. Instead of telling her friends she’s upset, she convinces everyone that she’s fine, all those critics are stupid, and she really doesn’t care.

To add fuel to the fire, well-meaning friends may encourage this. When things go down, they say things like, “Oh, honey, don’t you even for one second care what all those people say! They don’t matter! Sticks and stones, babe, sticks and stones!”

But the problem is these women actuallydocare. They care, and they hurt a lot. Their breakups hurt, their hearts are broken, and they’re feeling terrible. They spend a lot of time and energy not only trying not to care but attempting to convince themselves and everyone else that they don’t care. It’s exhausting!

But . . . is the zero fucks mentality really that bad?

Let me back up a bit. You might be thinking I’m being too hard on those three little words. Truthfully, the zero fucks mentality itself isn’tallbad on a surface level. Here’s an example:Grab life with all your might and go for what you want. Don’t let others hold you back. Don’t let fear of judgment, criticism, and others’ opinions keep you playing small. Haters gonna hate.

That’s an awesome sentiment, right? I can get on board with that and throw in a fist pump. Other people can talk so much trash and criticize us for our ideas, opinions, goals, and dreams, so we should really just give how many fucks? Oh, yes,zero.

However, this mentality reeks of black-and-white thinking: either we care whateveryonethinks of us, or we care aboutnothing. And in a culture of all or nothing, this habit gets added to the list.

It’s not a healthy behavior tocompletelydisregard what everyone thinks and others’ opinions. That just goes against social norms altogether. There is a name for people who actually give zero fucks.

They’re called sociopaths.

I figure if you’re reading this, you aren’t one (because most sociopaths don’t care about self-help . . . they’re too busy being assholes unknowingly). But in all seriousness, the only people who truly do not care about other people have a mental illness and simply do not have the capacity for real human connection.

WHAT’S THE BALANCE?

Let me start with what I believe trips people up. They hear, “Don’t care what anyone thinks of you” or “Give zero fucks,” and it feels like this huge, lofty goal. Many of us have spent most of our livesreallycaring what other people think. Basing our behaviors, decisions, thoughts, and almost everything else on what we tell ourselves other people think (notice I said “what we tell ourselves”—because most of the time we don’t really know what people are thinking). We’re worrying about what others will say if we do the things we really want that are outside our comfort zones. I think most people know what that feels like.

So, how do we find some balance with this? You can look at this as a spectrum. On one end are the crazy ones that really don’t careat allabout anything or anyone. The literal zero fucks people. To be honest, most of them are probably serial killers or drug lords and not people you actually hang out with in real life.

On the other side of the spectrum are people who give lots o’ fucks (maybe that’s a clever name for an escort service, no?). Most people are on that side. They care a great deal about what other people think, are paralyzed with fear and indecision, and run around pleasing people, seeking approval, and stressing out.

(If this is you and now you’re feeling bad about yourself for being this way, listen up: On a biological level, we want to belong. We want to know the people around us like us and approve of us. Read Chapter 7 on people pleasing to help you here. There’s hope for you yet!)

In the middle is where I think we all should be. Medium fucks. There should be a very short list of people in your life whose opinions and feedback about you are theonlyadvice you actually take to heart. How many times have you used the phrase, “Well, I can’t do that because everyone will think I’m stupid.”Everyone? The guy that made your latte this morning? The entire population of Lithuania? We need to make our world smaller when it comes to listening to others’ views.

From personal experience, I care what my husband thinks about the way I parent. As we parent together, I need to take his opinions into consideration. I may not agree with every single one, but I care what he thinks of mine. I’m interested in what my closest colleagues think about my new business endeavors. They support me, I trust them, and I need them. Can you imagine if I actually gavezerofucks about any of that? I would end up isolating myself from people who truly mean something to me. I wouldn’t have strong, supportive, trustworthy, and intimate relationships. I would be alone.

Yet there are some things I actually don’t care about, such as the societal standard that I should “behave like a lady.” Or the statistical data that most businesses fail within the first five years. Or anonymous critics of my work. If I cared too much about those things, I would have never gone after my dreams. I would spend day and night agonizing over what people—many of them strangers—think of me.

Do you see the difference?

EVEN BADASS CELEBRITIES GIVE A FUCK

When author Glennon Doyle Melton went on her book tour forLove Warrior,she was interviewed by comedian and talk-show host Chelsea Handler. People who know of Chelsea probably assume she is a woman who gives zero fucks. She is outspoken, always says what’s on her mind, and seemingly does not care about her occasional inappropriateness.

In their conversation, Chelsea pulled out a particular excerpt from Glennon’s book: “‘Glennon, she just didn’t give a fuck,’ [said her ex-boyfriend. Glennon] understood this was the ultimate compliment to bestow upon a woman. She also understood that it was no compliment, that any woman who doesn’t give a fuck is simply abandoning her soul to adhere to the rules. No woman on earth doesn’t really give a fuck. No woman is that cool. She’s just hidden her fire.”

Chelsea read this excerpt aloud and said to Glennon, “It’s true because people say thatall the timeabout me: ‘Chelsea, you don’t give a fuck.’ Of course I give a fuck! I give a fuck. I’m trying not to give a fuck all the fucking time. It’s exhausting. But you have to just keep doing it because everyone expects it. But I do care, just like everybody else.”

I nearly fell out of my chair when I heard this exchange. Chelsea Handler—a woman who has the attitude that she doesn’t care what people think—admits she does. A woman whom most people think has some special DNA that allows her not to care what others think tells us that she is exhausted by trying not to give a fuck. So, ladies, the gig is up. Let’s look at how to fix this and find some balance.

HOW TO FIX IT

I remember when I first started writing again in 2008 after a twelve-year hiatus. At first, I just wrote with a sort of reckless abandon, not thinking anyone would read it. Then people started reading and telling me they liked it. As time went on, a handful of people read my blog anddidn’tlike it. They disagreed with my ideas, didn’t like my writing style, and critiqued my grammar; a couple of people called me names and just basically made me feel bad. Out of the thousands of people that liked my work, maybe five of them who didn’t told me so.

Reading the criticism and judgment of that handful of people made me want to quit. I cared too much what other people thought. I couldn’t bear their negative opinions, even if it was just a few people. It felt like millions of people. So I asked for help from people who had walked this path before me.

“How do you do it?” I asked other bloggers. “How do you continue to put your work out there when you get criticized?” The advice I got mostly went like this: “You just can’t care at all. You can’t take it personally; you just have to let their words bounce off you. Learn to laugh about it and not give a shit.”

Ummm, okay.

How, how, how do you do this? When I asked, I was met with a shrug and the response “You just do your best not to care.” WHAT?!

I mean, who does this? Who can put their work out into the world, all smiles and proud of what they’ve created, to be met by mean people who throw rotten tomatoes at them, and brush it off as if it’s just another day?

I felt like something was wrong with me because Ididcare. I thought I was too sensitive. Maybe I wasn’t cut out to put my work into the world. These other writers that gave me the advice to just not take it personally had some brain chip that I didn’t have. Oh, how desperately I wanted not to care. I wanted to be one of those zero fucks people. But, how?

It wasn’t until years later and more talks with other people who put their opinions, ideas, and work into the world that I got to the bottom of it. Most peopledidcare what other people thought. They were like me; they felt the initial sting of criticism and judgment from others, and they had to work, pay attention, and be intentional about their feelings. In other words, they knew the feedback they were receiving hurt, and they were able to separate that hurt from who they were as an actual person. Those other people’s hurtful words did not dictate who they were.

And you, my dear, rebel reader, you too have the power within you to know and live the balance between giving zero fucks about people’s opinions that shouldn’t matter to you, and taking into consideration people’s opinions that do.

The Square-Inch Box

During my training to be a Daring Way™ facilitator, we were given the exercise of drawing a square-inch box on a piece of paper and writing down in the box the names of people whose feedback is important to us. Some people exclaimed, “But I need more space than this to list all the people!” Honey, if you need more than one square inch, you need to shorten your list. This exercise will remind you where you hold on to the idea that other peoples’ opinions and feedback really do matter. Below you’ll see a square-inch box, and I invite you to get out a pen or pencil and write down some names there.

This short list of people are individuals who care about you whether you kick ass or fail. They love you because you are human. They show up for you when you need them, and you can lean on them. These people hold your heart close.

People who are the happiest are clear on who is in their square-inch box. They’re able to release the sting of criticism from people outside their box.

Although it would be nice to be able to control it, sometimes you can’t help getting feedback or hearing the reviews of your life from people who like to tell you they think you’re doing it wrong—whether the “it” means parenting, being a wife, or working—you’re just doing life wrong. As I mention in Chapter 7, all those opinions and criticisms are triggering you,andnow you can do a quick inventory and see if the person hurling words at you is in your square-inch box or not. Feel free to tell them, “You’re not in my box!” and see the look of confusion on their faces as you excuse yourself and walk away.

What about the people in your square-inch box whose opinions youdocare about? How do we take their opinions and not let it dictate how we feel about ourselves as a whole? For me, with people such as my husband and close friends, I can listen to what they think about my decisions and behaviors, get past my fears, and take it as feedback. Sometimes theydoactually have great observations for me that I can use to improve myself.

Here’s what feedback is not: if I took in what they say and let my inner critic tell me I’m wrong, an idiot, and should change everything about myself. That kind of reaction shows me I need to do a lot of work on my self-talk (see Chapter 1). When you can tell the difference, it can be powerful for yourself and your relationships.

Take Inventory

Think about where in your life you give lots o’ fucks about what other people think. Maybe your career, your body, or your goals for the future. Someone may have said something hurtful to you about one or more of these areas, which triggered you to allow the pendulum to swing the other way—building your walls and taking on the mentality of giving zero fucks. Back up, sister. Just because someone gave you feedback that had poor delivery or genuinely insulted you doesn’t mean that shutting out the world will solve that problem in the future. It doesn’t make it hurt any less, and it doesn’t guarantee it won’t happen again. All it means is that you’ve shut out the world and nothing can get in—even the good stuff. And I’m sure that’s not what you want.

Get Clear

What are you telling yourself will happen if people know that youdocare about particular things in your life that you think you “shouldn’t” care about? For instance, say you’re going through a breakup, and your partner was a total asshole. Pretty much everyone is glad it’s over so they don’t have to see you hurting anymore. You put on a front that you’re also glad it’s done, and you proclaim hatred for your ex.

Yet . . . you’re grieving. There’s still a part of you that is going through the natural, human emotions of sadness and grief that usually accompany breakups. Perhaps you’re thinking if people know how you’re really feeling, they will think you’re a glutton for punishment, weak, and an idiot. So you keep it inside and pretend you don’t care.

What you can do is tell a trusted compassionate witness that you know the relationship wasn’t the healthiest, you’re confident its ending is really the best possible thing, but you’re still going through all the hard stuff. Practice vulnerability in those moments by also expressing that confiding that is scary, and you have fears about ______________. (You fill in the blank.)

Find the Balance

Since you’ve listed the people that can give you feedback that truly matters to you, next, get out a piece of paper or your journal and write down the people or groups of people whose opinions, judgments, and criticismsdon’tmatter. This usually includes anonymous critics, your own inner critic, or people giving unsolicited feedback that you really don’t need (or ask for). This list might include your friends, colleagues, neighbors, and acquaintances, but if all those people were in your box, you’d fall back into the “giving lots o’ fucks” category again. When you do this exercise, the question may come up, “What if my mom is on the list of people whose opinions I don’t care about?” Yes, that’s fine! I won’t tell anyone, I promise. Just because people are your family members doesn’t mean they automatically go in your box. If they have not shown up for you like people whose opinions you trust, they don’t belong there.

If you keep your focus on the first, shorter list and try your best to tune out the noise of the other people, you’ll find your balance.

If you’re putting on a front that you really don’t care, I invite you to think about your first step, which is letting those walls down. I’m 100 percent certain that your standoffish attitude is not helping you cope or heal. It’s actually keeping you stuck and making you feel worse. Not only are you trying to do the impossible (push away feelings that exist), but you’re convincing people that you don’t need them. And you do. You need them very much.